I’m Not Angry
In my journey through the blogosphere tonight, I came across a blog post from a recent adoptive mom about her anger. As I read the post I realized that I’m not angry about our infertility. I can’t remember if I ever was. I know I was terribly sad and sometimes I still am, but the strongest emotion I feel now is regret.
My regret has nothing to do with adoption, really. My regret now is almost entirely focused on having a single-child family. I really wish we had two kids, and I feel deep regret (and terrible guilt) that Vintage Girl won’t have a sibling. I feel like we’ve cheated her of something important and I worry that she’ll be angry when she’s old enough to understand that on some level we made a choice.
It’s not easy to explain to a child that you ran out of the intense emotional energy it takes to wait in a prospective adoptive parent pool for months and months; that you began to feel you were getting too old to start with a new baby; and that in some ways you were in a groove as a family of three and that adding another child would be really hard work.
To this day, I know that if someone called me on the phone or showed up on my porch with a new baby needing a home and loving parents, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. It makes me wonder if I simply didn’t have the emotional energy for another adoption process: the hard, hard work of forging a relationship with birthparents and extended birthfamily; the doubts and questions from friends and family; the expense; the social workers; the attorneys . . . the list goes on and on. It’s not an easy journey and perhaps I just didn’t have the stamina to make it twice.
I admire the other blogger for baring her soul, and for the impetus to do a little soul-searching of my own.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Siblings are overrated.
Seriously. Many siblings fight nonstop, then when they grow up just drift apart.
You did – doing – the very best that you can and that’s all that matters.
Vered – MomGrinds last blog post..Is There Such A Thing As Commenter’s Burnout? Or: Why I Sometimes Close Comments
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I’m with Vered – it would have been nice to be an only child!
But more to the point, none of us gets to choose the family we end up with, and it always seems like we didn’t get the right one! And I think there is something about the adoption process that makes parents feel like they have to explain everything to their kids and feel guilty and/or justify the choices they made to end up with the family they have. My parents never felt like they had to explain or justify why I had five younger siblings, and they certainly didn’t ask my opinion about it, and I’ve come to realize that in a lot of ways it really had nothing to do with me!
Lizs last blog post..Silver Linings
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Vered: Maybe; I’m not particularly close to my brother, but I’m still glad he’s there!
Liz: You know, I would probably feel the same if VG were not adopted and we had chosen to have one child for other reasons. And of course, parents don’t consult their children about this!
Vintage Mommys last blog post..I’m Not Angry
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:14 pm
I don’t know Ann, look at it this way: she gets all of the attention from you and your husband. I know people who were “onlys” and they don’t feel cheated. Here’s a squidoo lens you might find interesting by an only child who chose to have only one child:
http://www.squidoo.com/only_children
Hope it helps
Marelisas last blog post..12 Superb Ways to Be Happier
October 23rd, 2008 at 8:32 am
I know what you mean. The whole process is so exhausting. I am in the middle of adopting #2 and sometimes I literally fall into a panic that I am putting myself through it again. It’s like I have PTSD from the first ordeal.
I think your daughter will enjoy being the only child, especially if it means she has a sane mommy!
Kristens last blog post..White People CAN Dance
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
Hi Ann,
Adoption is something we’re hoping for in our future, after we are finished having our own. That said, I don’t know much about it yet — but I just have to wonder, have you considered adopting foster children from State? They tend to be older, but I hear State will pay you to adopt…. Some are from troubled homes, so I can understand if you don’t want to deal with that…. my wife has talked about adopting siblings one day, as apparently they are the hardest ones to get adopted, especially together.
I’m totally ignorant no the reality of adoption so forgive me if my comment is totally off the mark.
I plan to be wildly successful soon so we can go adopt many kids.
ari
Ari Koinumas last blog post..7 Secrets That Can Help When You Are Depressed
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:28 pm
@Marelisa: thank you for the info; I enjoyed the lens and will go back.
@Kristen: it’s a stressful process, no doubt about it, and we didn’t have the extra stress of the international piece! I don’t know if VG has a “sane” mommy exactly . . . but thanks for the support.
@Ari: Your comment is fine; I’ve thought a lot about fostering and/or foster-adopting. Now that my daughter is older it seems more doable. If you do adopt, all your children will be “your own”
VM
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Vintage Mommy, International Woman of Mystery
October 26th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Sure there are pros and cons either way, but if you focus on the advantages of having only one child…
Time and money are two big ones: You can devote all your resources to the child that you have. For us I’m finding that my two don’t each get the one-on-one Mommy time that they’d like because they have to share me. Also, now because they’re BOTH old enough to swim and skate, we can only afford lessons once per week instead of more.
You get the idea. There are lots of ways you can make your child’s life so rich and fulfilling that a sibling won’t be missed
(Btw we have a nephew who is an only child and he’s totally happy with that)
JEANNEs last blog post..How To Keep Kids Quiet While Others Are Sleeping
October 26th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I’m an only, adopted child (now an adult) and overall I’m really really really happy that I don’t have siblings!
Yes, when I was a kid, I remember begging my parents for a brother or sister, which they didn’t provide (I even had her name picked out for them!).
But I don’t think my life would have had nearly as much richness and opportunities (Broadway shows, camp,travel,the Ivy league college of my choice, graduate school, etc.) if I had siblings.
As a caregiver for my aging parents, yes, it might be nice to share those responsibilities now, but overall it seems to me that having siblings is a disadvantage in many ways. I like making the caregiving decisions myself, and not worrying as other adult children do about being second guessed by other siblings. Lots of emotional energy saved there, that’s for sure! And there won’t be any fights over inheritance either — LOL!
Linda Abbits last blog post..How a Bus Stop Helps Prevent Wandering in Alzheimer’s Patients
October 26th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
@Jeanne: Yes, it would be hard to divide our attention and financial resources, since both are limited. Thanks for visiting and commenting.
@Linda: I was hoping you’d comment! I appreciate your perspective, especially now that your parents are aging. I begged for a sibling too (I had an imaginary sister until my brother was born when I was 7) so perhaps I’m projecting a bit.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Holidays by Hand: Good Ideas from Around the Blogosphere
October 27th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Ok this is probably inappropriate but here goes: I work with Child Protective Services as an attorney and I represent children who have been removed from their homes (in Texas). There are SO many wonderful little girls and boys who need good foster homes and they very often become permanent. Why not try something like fostering–you can choose the type of child you are willing to foster (age, boy/girl). Then if someone comes along who would need a home you’d be able to make the decision all together, and the child would be older, so no baby issues.
I was an only child till 11. Then my parents had my brother. We are not close at all, sadly. We each grew up as only children. I now have three kids very close in age (and am an older mother too!). I love the stuff my kids have to go through and I think it is good for them. I missed out on that kind of thing and I’ll always miss that sister bond I won’t have. BUT, there are advantages to being an only child as well, I don’t deny that. Overall I like the chaos that comes with larger sibling groups and would have had more had time/resources allowed. If I could swing it I would foster and perhaps I will later on… Great of you to post this issue to discuss!!
October 27th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Hi Ann – What an interesting discussion you’ve started. I have siblings so don’t know what it’s like to be an only child, but Linda has been in the situation you’ve described and I think her answer says it well.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..A.S.K. Darren Rowse of Problogger – When Do We Know Our Blog Is A “Winner”
October 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Hi Vintage Mommmy – I just noticed you drinking over at the Virtual Lushary, and popped over to check out your blog. Welcome to the blogosphere – I take it you’re rather new. I hope blogging is as great for you as it has been for me.
About this issue in particular – my situation is very different – but this is one of my fears. We are a straight couple trying to conceive with donor sperm, and I do worry about not being able to provide a sibling for my future child. There are so many complicating factors with DI that can get in the way!
I guess this issue is really about the pain of not being in control of the size of pur families, and needed to grieve the possibilities we lose along the way – whether it is through our own choices or through circumstances beyond our control. And it is so hard to wish for our families to be how we want them to be, but to know that we can’t, for whatever reason, make that happen.
Wishing you peace with this. You’re right – it sucks and it is very hard to come to terms with how our choices as parents or as individuals might affect our children in the future.
annacyclopedias last blog post..the latest latest
October 28th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
@susaninfrance: We have talked about foster parenting, and now that my daughter is older it feels more doable. I guess the sibling relationship is different in every family group, and perhaps I am romanticizing it.
@Barbara: I completely understand what Linda is saying, and I certainly hope vintage Girl feels that way.
@Anna Thanks for your honest and supportive comment, and for the wish for peace. That’s exactly what I need to find – peace – and acceptance that I couldn’t and still can’t control this. I’ll be taking a peek at your blog – thanks for coming over!
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Holidays by Hand: Good Ideas from Around the Blogosphere
November 6th, 2008 at 7:08 am
Hi Vintage Mommy,
Thanks for your kind comment on my blog a few days ago. While we haven’t adopted our first yet, I can relate to you regarding the issue of more children. I have always said I want more than one baby; however, I have to admit that I am more than slightly overwhelmed by the thought of going through this whole adoption process again someday. Plus, there is no guarantee for timing, etc. One thought I have in the back of my mind for myself is foster care. For lots of complicated reasons, I didn’t want to go that route for our first adoption, but I have thought that it could be a way to add to our family in the future. Foster care is NOT easy, I am under no illusions…but there ARE so many kids out there who need good homes, and most of them are not babies, which can have some advantages. This is a tough and complicated issue to be sure. We all have to make decisions we never thought we would be faced with when it comes to adoption, and it’s hard to come to temrs with that fact. I wish you peace with where you are in your own journey. Try not to be too hard on yourself regarding the decisions you’ve made. With great parents like you and Vintage Daddy (I don’t know you guys personally, but I can just tell,) Vintage Girl will be able to make a happy and fulfilling life for herself, one way or another!
Melba