Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
Last week I posted about my sadness (largely on behalf of my daughter) that we weren’t able to adopt a second child. Many people commented about the advantages of being or having an only child, and some declared that siblings are not always close.
I have to confess that the comments didn’t make me feel a whole lot better. Despite the fact that parents presumably have more energy and resources (financial and otherwise), for an only child, I’m not convinced. And I guess the bottom line is that I simply wanted more children.
For Vintage Daddy and me, the issue is compounded by the fact that we are older parents who come from very small families. Vintage Girl doesn’t have any cousins on either side and my husband is an only child (something he hated growing up), so she has just one uncle, my brother. I can’t help but worry that she will feel very alone when we’re gone.
So, I’m curious: as an only child or one of many; a parent of one, or parent of many, what do you think? Do you see the advantages of only children? Or do you share my concerns? I’d love to hear from you.
Photo by Juria Yoshikawa
October 28th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I really think you worry about this too much. I have a close friend who’s an only child. She’s one of the happiest people I know. She chose to have one child, which says a lot I think.
Vered – MomGrinds last blog post..Should “A-List Bloggers” Close Comments?
October 28th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I was raised an only child and my maternal family (no paternal family due to nasty divorce) is down to three. I had a wonderful childhood and I married an Italian man with lots of family. We had kids. Your daughter will create her own family–don’t fret.
Mrs. G.s last blog post..Barb
October 28th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
I’m also a happy “only” who also has an only. I think we’ll both be fine without siblings. From observing others with siblings, it sure doesn’t seem all it’s cracked up to be.
However, I don’t discount your feelings, VM, and I feel sad that you’re not living your dream of having many children.
Linda Abbits last blog post..Implement Nationwide Silver Alerts for Missing Seniors
October 28th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
One thing that has helped us create a bigger “family” is making friends with other parents that we like to spend time with. The kids are still growing up together and we share holidays, birthdays, etc. – not too different from having a bunch of aunts/uncles & cousins around.
October 29th, 2008 at 4:16 am
I think having siblings is one way to learn some valuable lessons, but I don’t think it’s the only way. While my sister and I had a lot of fun together when we were little, we haven’t been that siblingy since. And when our parents pass on…I expect we’ll find as much family in our friends as in each other.
I don’t know if only children are lucky, but I don’t think they’re any worse off for not having siblings.
October 29th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Well, my hubby is an only and he said he never knew any different. He had his friends and never felt deprived. We are just on our way to having our second child, but he would have been perfectly happy with just one.
There are pros and cons to both, I think.
Kimberlys last blog post..On the differences between boys and girls….and shoes.
October 29th, 2008 at 6:14 am
I’m the younger of two. My Mom’s the oldest of 14. I thought she was the lucky one. I always wanted siblings around to play with and my brother and parents usually weren’t available. Therefore, I always wanted to have at least 3 kids, preferably more. I feel bad, with you, that my daughter will likely be an only child. Now that she’s playing in other parts of the house (like her room upstairs or outside) by herself, I wonder if she’s lonely, think she’d have more fun with someone else, etc. I see how much fun she has with her aunts (who are just a little older than she). She does have one cousin who’s 12 years old, and there’s a GREAT chance of cousins on my side. But it still won’t be very many. I worry that if she remains an only child, life will also be harder when she’s an adult. I know that my brother will help take care of my parents when the time comes. She might be left taking care of us PLUS two special needs aunts (although the other cousin will be there for that, too, I hope).
On the other hand, we are HIGHLY likely to become a foster family, which means she may have dozens of new siblings over the next decade(s). To me, it’s partially a compromise way of having more children in the house w/o adopting. (Although, as many foster families do adopt, I know it’s likely she’ll have some permanent sibs too. But not necessarily.) At the same time, it’s totally different than having legal siblings.
Interestingly, pre-child, my DH wanted to have an only child as he hated being lost in the rush of kids at his parents’ house. Post-child, he suddenly switched to wanting more! He ADORES being the Dad and can’t wait for more kids to show up.
I guess I’m just saying I agree with you, but might have a way around it to some extent with fostering.
October 29th, 2008 at 7:22 am
I may be reading way too much between the lines here but let me tell you my middle of the night worry about my one and only:
We came to parenthood late – I was 39 when Max was born. I worry that when we die, he will feel all alone in the world. I try to stay close with my sisters and his cousins but we’re spread out all over the country and it’s very very hard to do.
The Other Lauras last blog post..Carnival
October 29th, 2008 at 7:25 am
I’m sorry you’re still sad about this, and I’m sorry the comments on your previous post didn’t help. I really think that “feeling alone” is something that people create for themselves, no matter how many siblings they have. I have five younger siblings, but but we’re all spread out in different parts of the country and I have one sister that I haven’t even talked to in almost two years! Having siblings doesn’t make me feel any more or less alone in the world, although I think that might change in the future when our parents are gone.
Good luck working this all out for yourself.
Lizs last blog post..Seasons Change
October 29th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Well, I think I speak about my big family way too much on my blog to leave anything untruthful here: I have a lot of siblings, cousins, etc and I wanted a big family too. We’re all close and when we get together, it is loud and fun. But I don’t think we’re going to get the big family in the sense of me as the mother and all of my children but it’s different because my kids will have the cousins, etc.
I don’t think though that you can create that closeness with siblings. Either it exists or it doesn’t. You could have ten kids and have them all feel lonely because they don’t get along. Or you can have one who has so many fictive siblings (we have a lot of fictive kin too that we call “aunt” or “uncle” even though they are simply close friends) that she is never lonely.
I don’t dismiss your feelings at all. These are real worries and real fears. And I only wish you peace of heart in finding the answers.
Mels last blog post..Your Daily News Source
October 29th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Vered: I can see you’re struggling to understand. That’s very common among folks who haven’t dealt with infertility.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 29th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
@Mrs G: I do hope that VG will find friends who feel like family; we work hard to make that happen. Thanks for the visit and the comment.
@Linda: thanks Linda for hanging in there with me on this. You are a giant comfort to me!!
@Kari: we have friends like that as well, and hope to have more as VG gets older.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 29th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@MrsMicah Interesting that you and your sister have grown apart (if I’m reading you right). I have friends who are very close to their sibs, and some who are not.
@Kimberly: People clearly experience this stuff so differently. My husband was an only and would have given anything for a sibling, and he really wanted a second child too.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 29th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
@AnnMarie: I think one of the reasons I worry is b/c I think VG is already a bit lonely. On the other hand 14 kids sounds wild! I have considered fostering many times, but my husband is more reluctant. I think he worries about the sadness when/if the kids are returned to their birthfamilies.
@Laura YES! that is probably my top worry. I’m somewhat comforted by the fact that her birthmom is young and will be around long after I’m gone.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 29th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
@Liz: it’s interesting how different sibling groups can be! Perhaps I’m romanticizing the whole thing . . .
@Mel: loud and fun, that’s what I wanted exactly! Thank you for visiting and commenting and lending your support; I appreciate it!
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 29th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I was totally sold on the idea of one child only and it wasn’t until my father passed away, when my daughter was four, that I started wishing for another. See, when I only wanted one, I saw all the advantages of having just one. Now that I have two, I see all the advantages of having two. I’m no help at all, am I?
October 29th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
I’m an only child, the daughter of an only child (married to one of 3). Growing up, the big advantage was travel. My father worked for an airline and we traveled extensively (free airfare, low cost hotel and car rental, strong dollar in those days). But I always wanted siblings and wanted a big family myself. I used to devour books like Cheaper by the Dozen. Of course, I used to devour books, period. I was always with adults and was much more comfortable with them as a kid than with my peers.
I had 3 children in my 20’s (married an only!), then divorced and was a single parent for years. Remarried about the time my youngest graduated high school and now have a 5 year old. She loves her older brothers and sister (and her brother & sister-in-law) but would feel like an only child if not for her 3 nieces who are very close to her in age (2 of whom live in the same house with us).
Yes, it’s easy to romanticize but I understand your longing to both raise more than one child and to provide close companionship for Vintage Girl. I’ve got a pretty unique work-around for that situation with my Dear Child but it’s certainly possible to work on developing a close circle of friends with compatible kids. It doesn’t address the sense of loss you feel however and I don’t have an answer for that, only empathy.
October 30th, 2008 at 11:34 am
If your heart tells you there is room for more children in your life, look for ways to fill that need and do good in the world. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? Or volunteering as a Big Sister or a mentor?
If you’re worried about your child being lonely, encourage her to build her own support network, not only of friends her age, but adults as well. I had an adopted grandmother and an older aunt who became great supports for me.
There is plenty of love out there if you just reach out.
October 30th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I think, no matter how many kids in a family at one time or another, most children will at one time or another wish they had a different family make-up. There are advantages and disadvantages on all sides. If there are no other children at home, then try to have lots of exposure to groups of kids out of the home, in play groups, sports teams etc.
And one nice thing that you wont hear is ‘You love [insert sibling name] more than me].
Selmadas last blog post..5w2d – holding pattern
October 30th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Hi…I’m here from the roundup.
I’m surprised to see so many onlies wanting only children. I was like your husband and HATED being an only child growing up. I had a lot of stuff, and I never ever wanted for anything, knowing that wherever I got into college I could go with no worries, but…I would have rathered have a sibling.
My cousins all had brothers and sisters and we were close as a familiy so I did have them. As we started ttc and found out we had the same luck that my parents had (none) and was worried about the only child thing. I didn’t want an only. At ALL. My husband has one brother (gay and not intersted in having kids) and an adpted sister who we don’t know where she is…so my kids will have no cousins. No cousins! And no siblings. To me, that was definitely unacceptable.
Luckily we have two (adopted, IVF) but…still two is a small small family/extended family.
We’ve had some small crisis in my family lately and it IS a lot to handle “alone” for me.
If your heart says more, there might be a way. For me…financial strain and loans for a while was worth it. Can you work out some sort of fund raiser?
That SAID…I certainly don’t want to make like oooh, it’s AWFUL…there are decidedly WORSE things to being an only and there are surely things I LOVED about my childhood.
Good luck to you!!
October 30th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I can’t give any really great advice. I know only children I adore and ones I don’t. I know kids from big families that are fabulous and others that aren’t. I firmly believe kids can thrive in any situation.
Kristins last blog post..Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas
October 30th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Coming from Mel’s blog round up…
Actually, a lot of what you wrote I have felt. I was an only child until I was 8 years old. I swore that I would never let my child be an only child. When our son was born, we spaced it out, started when he was about 3 years, we started trying for a sibling. As we were having problems, he then started having problems in school, socialization related to a later diagnosis of ADHD. I kept thinking that if only he had a sibling. If only he did not have just adult friends in his life (let alone later in life, once we were gone–who would he have). We were on the cusp of giving up and dealing with the cards deslt, when our last ditch effort worked. He is almost 10 years old and we have gotten our IVF sister for him.
I have known people who are only children, and I have been one. But I think my experience of being in a family 800 miles away from our relatives is actually the most revealing–we have made our own family out of friends here. We are closer to some of our friends than some of our own family. I think that a lot of only children are able to fill that sibling hole with friends and other relatives.
Delenns last blog post..C’mon..don’t make me feel bad about our country anymore…UPDATED
October 30th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
My dad was an adopted only child. He evidently had trouble with it, grew up, got married and had five kids. As one of those five kids, I always felt a part of a mob, have no recollection of any individual time with my parents, grew up, got married and had one kid. My dad thought that was a terrible thing to do to my son and told me so. I responded that my son was not him, we were not his parents, and, as a matter of fact, being one of five was no bowl of cherries either! My point is that everyone is different. You can certainly be disappointed that you won’t get to realize your dream of a big family but don’t translate that disappointment into a feeling that you are doing something bad to your child. Life is as it is supposed to be. Do the best you can with the child you have and know that will be perfect!
@SimplyFortiess last blog post..Long Distance Relationships
October 30th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Hi Ann – It’s obvious this subject is heavy on your heart. Although you and your husband come from a small family, it is possible to “extend” your family through friends. After my parents died, I “adopted” a couple and always called them my second parents. Even as I was growing up, my grandmother became “gramma” for some of my friends who didn’t have a grandmother, and my mom (before she died) was a “mom” to many.
I don’t know if this helps, but based on what I’ve been through, I “created” extra family members and gave them labels such as sisters, brothers, parents, aunts and uncles, etc, and we were just as close as family members, if not closer.
You know how they say, “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family”? I used that to my advantage and “hand picked some additional family members”. It works well, and to this day I call those hand picked family members “sis” or “brother”, etc.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..How To Survive A Bashing In Blogosphere
October 30th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Hi Barbara: We do have some wonderful friends we consider family. VG attaches to people easily now and I’m sure she’ll continue to do so as she grows.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 30th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
@Izzy: I think that’s often how it goes. You just don’t know where you’ll land.
@Shevy: that’s a coincidence, my husband was an only child whose dad worked for an airline. Thanks for the empathy, Shevy, I appreciate it.
@Gayle; I have considered foster parenting, more seriously now that my daughter is older and in school. Of course then I worry that my old self will be able to keep up!
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 30th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
@Selmada: I had an imaginary sister and was dying for a real sibling, but once my brother came along, I complained about him incessantly.
@JessPond: thank you for sharing your perspective, the positive and not-so-positive.
@Kristin: I think VG is thriving too!
@Delenn: Thanks for visiting from the round-up and sharing your story. Sounds like you went through a lot and have come out on the other side happy!
@SimplyForties: I have a friend with four children and I’ve often thought her oldest would have been happier in a smaller family. I’m glad you’re content with the choice you made.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 31st, 2008 at 9:05 am
As we go through life, single child or one of many, we make our own *family*. I honestly wouldn’t worry about your daughter at all.
Urban Panthers last blog post..Theme Fiction Friday – At last
October 31st, 2008 at 3:16 pm
@Panther: easier said than done!
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
October 31st, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I understand your feelings! I grieve for the second child I will never have and I feel concerned at times for my son. I wish he had a sibling because I assume that they will be close and it will make his life happier, more secure. I would love to have another, but I am truly vintage; 46, my son is 23 months, and I am the only one in this house who wants another…
But, I feel blessed with my miracle baby. I love being a mother, I love this child. I share your feelings and I have my moments about all of this. I would never say I am sad about it, but I think about the never-to-be second baby every single day. Every damn day.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:30 pm
I am an adopted child and have a sister who is my parents biological child. My mother is an only child and my father has a brother. I have not seen my cousins in over 16 years. My sister and I are not close, because she does not consider me to be part of her family. My parents are wonderful people who could not love me more.
While those people are my family and I would do anything for them. The people who are my real family are the people I have chosen to be a part of my family. Each and every one of them would follow me to the ends of the Earth. Out of all the blessings of being adopted, the biggest one is learning early in life that biology has nothing to do with family. Your family are the people who love you.
Your daughter is obviously loved by you and your husband. As she grows that love will be an example for her future relationships. Your example is the greatest gift she will ever receive.
I do not know if it is better to be an only child. I do know that we will only have one child as well, and we will love them with all we have.
jaymees last blog post..Redefining The Dream, Part Two
November 1st, 2008 at 3:27 pm
My husband is an only, and I have one brother who is ten years younger than me. I left the house when he was five, so it’s very much like we are two only children. My husband and I intentionally had three kids, who are close in age. I think we can all argue the benefits and disadvantages of a situation, but what I hear you saying is that you have an only child and you want more children but that’s not working out for you. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this and nothing we say will help you to figure out what’s best for your family. Grieving what you want but can’t have, at least not the way you want it, is an important step in getting through it.
Kelly from Almost Frugals last blog post..Make Your Own Wrapping Paper
November 1st, 2008 at 7:17 pm
I can really relate to this post because I struggle with the fact that I have an “only child”. I wish that we could have another one but for health and financial reasons, it isn’t in the cards. I always thought that I would have two children and I am sad that this isn’t going to happen. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one struggling with this. While I don’t have the answers, the one thing that I know has helped is to encourage her relationships with her cousins (who are the same age) with the hope that she will feel a sense of history/continuity/security that is similar to a sibling relationship.
November 2nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Hi Paz: It does become harder to imagine as we get older. I guess we’ll never know how our kids would have done/felt with a sibling.
Hi Jaymee: thank you for your perspective; it’s always reassuring to hear from adult adoptees.
Hi Kelly: yes, that’s really all it is; I wish it could have been different, for better or worse.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
November 2nd, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I can relate to your post. We are currently struggling with secondary IF. My husband is an only child. I am one of 8 children. DH lost both of his parents within a year after our son was born. It is incredibily important to him that Boo have a sibling. DH was faced with choices that he never thought he’d have to make and they had to be made all by himself. He doesn’t want Boo to have to do those things. My family has made comments to us about “being grateful for what you have.” What they don’t get is that I am incredibly grateful that we have Boo, we easily could have lost him several times, but that doesn’t lessen the longing for another. I too have heard all about how nice it is to have only one, but again, it doesn’t stop the longing.
Lindas last blog post..Chugging on
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Hi Linda, I can easily understand how your husband feels, and also how those “be grateful” comments are hurtful. I wish you the best with your IVF.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..Only Children: Lucky or Lonely?
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:50 am
I think it’s all very interesting. I have had 6 children (one passed) and they are all relatively close in age, except for the oldest. We love having a big family, but at times it’s a challenge…and financially it’s always a challenge. I however, basically grew up an only child, because even though I have 2 younger siblings, my closest sibling is 12 years behing me. I was very self-motivated, and very comfortable around adults for most of my childhood. I feel like I grew up a bit quicker for it, but out of my siblings, I probably have the best work ethic, and am the most self-motivated. This is a trait I often see in only children, or in older kids that are separated by a few years…such as my oldest son. He is a total over-achiever, very mature for his age, and very disciplined. I think that as you long as only children are regularly exposed to other kids, and allowed to interact with them often, it can be a great, fulfilling childhood with no “missing pieces”.
amy js last blog post..the last few leaves…
November 6th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Your post made my heart twist as I too wish my adopted daughter had a sibling, and to make that wrench worse, she wants a sibling more than anything. She’s three and when anyone asked what she wanted for her birthday (or more lately, Christmas) she replies ‘a brother’ – it never varies. With the adoption situation in Australia where we live, I am unlikely to be able to adopt again, but dearly wish I could. I know that we make meaningful connections across our lives, that my daughter is loved by many, that some only children relish their status and some hate it, and some in large families revel in thier siblings and some hate it … but none of that stops me wishing that she had a sibling. How does VG feel about siblings?
November 9th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
I’m a little late commenting on this but here goes. I am the youngest of three. I have two much older brothers. I always felt like an only child. It was not a problem to me. I had friends but I was not clsoe to my cousins. I was much closer to my parents than my brothers. Now that I am in my 40’s and they are in their 80’s, we are still close. It is me that takes them out to eat, to the doctor and shopping. I think it is because I was their “only” in a way. I have my own family of two sons. They love each other but they each wish for being the “only” so they wouldn’t have to share. I think we all wish for what we don’t have, instead of being content with what we do have. You know the grass is always greener on the other side.
November 30th, 2008 at 9:55 am
I am an only child of only children. The pros are many: You have your parents only to yourself. You are around a lot of adults, which helps you to mature and become responsible. You learn self-reliance. You are usually driven to succeed and work hard. Even though your daughter does not have a lot of ‘blood family — your relatives’, she can choose her own family. My parents are both gone and I have several friends I consider surrogate parents and siblings and vice versa. My parents wanted another child but were unable to have one. I can only say to you what the doctor said to my mother “Be grateful for the miracle you have and stop being sad for what you don’t have.”
December 28th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I didn’t read all the comments so forgive me if I repeat advice already given. I’m an only child with two half-siblings, with whom I did not grow up. I haven’t yet married and I have physically and emotionally distant relationships with my father and mother, respectively. I feel very alone because, in fact, I am. My advice? The most important skills to teach your daughter is how to go after and cultivate intimate relationships in her life, whether with friends or significant others. Teach her how to open herself to others and to receive the love of good friends. She’ll be just fine. Take care, C.
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I am an only child and your daughter will feel both lucky and lonely at different points in her life. I will say the points of loneliness only happened to me during childhood- family vacations, Sundays when everyone else was at church but basically that was it. If anything, being an only child actually helped me to embrace and love alone time. It also made me feel more responsible at a young age. I never would drink and drive or take unnecessary risks because I knew I was the only child my parents could have. I was acutely aware that all my parents maternal love was directed at me.
There are pressures that you will not intend to put on your child but she will feel them being the only one. I too am an older Mom. I did not have my first child until I was 37 and the guilt I felt that my poor parents would not be Grandparents was huge. Overall, simply being a good caring parent is all you need to worry about.
Grieve the fact you could not have another and then go past that. Your daughter needs your joy. Good luck and enjoy your beautiful daughter.
May 4th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I am an only child. I was OK with it when I was younger. You can’t miss what you never had, I guess. However now that I am older and my parents are in their senior years, I am finding it difficult. Mostly it is the health issues they are having as seniors, and I have all the worry and responsibility alone. I really wish I had another sibling that I could talk to about my worries as my parents age that would share my concerns.
May 4th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Hi Eve: that is my worry too, and my husband had that experience as an only child as well. Funny, I have a younger brother but he has been such a mess himself that I can’t look to him for support as my mom ages.
Thanks for commenting.
June 15th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Hi, I’m commenting as an only child and mother of twins. I would have liked a sibling when growing up (until I turned 12 and then was not excited about the possibility), but I had a happy childhood and became very close to my parents and my friends. I do agree with those who say only children will “find their own brothers and sisters”…I surely did. As for being alone when she is older…I did have those same fears as my family is also small. Until I had my own kids and expanded my “family” through marriage. So keep in mind your daughter will certainly add to her “friends and family” as she matures and don’t worry…