It’s Not My Story to Tell
When I started planning Vintage Mommy, I intended to share every detail of our open adoption story, hoping that prospective adoptive parents would find it interesting and encouraging. My intentions were innocent and altruistic.
Side note: what prompted me to actually sit down and write my first post was the announcement of Bristol Palin’s pregnancy, which brought up many complicated feelings, but I digress. . .
I also wanted a forum where I could ruminate – and yes, whine – about my advanced maternal age, and parenting an only adopted child. I thought for sure I’d find some camaraderie in the blogosphere – which I did – though as far as I know I’m the only person on earth in my situation.
Over the last few months I’ve grown more and more uncomfortable with the idea of sharing a story that is so very personal to my daughter without her knowledge or permission. At seven, she’s quite cheerful about being adopted, but there are parts of her story (of every adoption story) that are painful and complicated, and I think she should decide if and when she wants to share those details, and with whom.
My decision not to tell the whole story here was sealed when a couple of moms from Vintage Girl’s classroom recently found me on Twitter. Suddenly it felt very inappropriate that they could read her story online, perhaps learning things about her adoption that even she doesn’t know yet.
I still want to write about adoption and parenting an only child; to continue to indulge myself with expounding on life as a (much) older mom; to write about my reaction to the portrayal of adoption in novels, movies, and on TV (some of it is so shocking!); to develop guidelines and offer support for writing Adoption Story Books for adopted kids (always part of my plan); and to find a way to weave my love of papercrafting into the mix.
That seems like enough for one little blog, no?
So, the whining about how old I am will no doubt continue, and although there will be no “tell all” here, I am always happy to talk with anyone who is considering adoption, especially open adoption. I am ready and willing to answer questions about our agency, our process, our wait, etc. etc. and life after placement. Please feel free to contact me anytime.
And if you, my adoption soul sister, are out there in the universe somewhere, please get in touch!
January 7th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Hi Ann – Unfortunately when we post online (blog, Twitter, or other) we get to that point where we say, “maybe this is too much information to share with the world”. Having read your reasoning behind your decision, it sounds like a wise one.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..Attract Readers – Make Your Blog A Safe Haven
January 7th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
@Barbara: Thanks. I feel good about it. I think I knew when I was resisting posting that I had to change my plan a bit.
Vintage Mommys last blog post..It’s Not My Story to Tell
January 8th, 2009 at 10:30 am
When I first started reading this post, I was worried that it would end with “and that’s why I decided to stop blogging.” I’m so glad you will continue blogging! I hope you will be able to find the balance between being helpful to others thinking about adoption and keeping Vintage Girl’s story private.
Lizs last blog post..Creating Time and Space
January 8th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I’m glad you realized where the line was for you before you revealed more than you really wanted to. I sometimes wonder whether I should have been more careful about my anonymity on my blog – if someone who lives in my city reads my blog, it wouldn’t be too hard to figure out who I am, for example – and because we are still trying for our first child, in a way I worry about revealing part of our future child’s story before he or she even exists. I guess when there is an actual person in my arms, I’ll change the way I tell my story. But in some ways it’s already too late.
But I’m also very glad you’re going to keep blogging – I had the same reaction as Liz and am thrilled that I’ll continue to have access to your voice.
And on the “I’m the only one in the world” thing – I can relate. It sucks sometimes, but I’ve found sometimes that the people I have the most in common with aren’t always the ones whose stories most resemble my own, and conversely, the people with similar stories don’t always resonate with me. Hoping you find the common ground you are seeking, though – however it comes!
annacyclopedias last blog post..riding the clomid pony
January 9th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Hi Liz: I’m so flattered! I think I’ll find a way to continue to write about our experience w/out revealing too much. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Hi Anna: You two are both so kind! I guess the anonymity thing goes for all “personal” blogs, and I think I’ll find the balance I need. And you’re so right about having things in common! We have neighbors who have two children in open adoptions. but it’s just not a “click” for me, if that makes sense.
January 18th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
[...] how writing about her daughter’s adoption could have repercussions, wrote a post titled “It’s Not My Story To Tell” and changed the direction of her blog. As she put it, My decision not to tell the whole story here [...]
May 17th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
[...] things conspired to shut my blogging down: you can read about my struggle with privacy here and here, and my struggle with keeping my life in order here. This winter those two struggles collided and I [...]